Action! As film rolls–frames circle frames,
pan in–center the camera on me. We open on:
butterfly effects of created coincidences.
Paradoxical notions formed of this fragmented
mind. On display, for all to see,
a concert of thought strings plucked–as I slip
my limbs into delicate marionette threads. this
damnable, elongated performance,
is one of survival. I am hoisted as my
feet traipse along–keeping time with an
endless refrain drowning out my protests.
Continue the production despite my
futile suffering. I will listen to the
grotesque soundtracks stitched with discordant
notes,disquiet ignored
by my own
humanity. They are the background
of every scene.
I cannot cover my ears, nor my eyes. Cannot
cower behind the eternal jester I have become.
Jubilance does not rest beneath my mockery
of a smile. As mechanisms beyond my reach
pilot me through this part,
kindly–I beg–put down the control bar.
Please unstring me softly. Allow me to bend.
Remind me that
love is in the hands that pull me toward my
Magnum Opus. Show me kindness as I am
immersed in madness. I want to believe that
now–the world, my audience–will want to
observe me at the height of my pursuit. My portrayal
of an ease of living allows me
to connect with the masses I seek to touch.
Quell my anxieties–my need to rewind
these moments when the film is done.
I wish to look upon the feigned grace in which
I was puppeted through,
sorrowful times and undeniable constraints.
Gleaning knowledge from hindsight.
Though I know this life is
a never-ending silver screen.
Undoubtedly–some day I will forget the
hands that guided me. The strings that kept
me moving, the very
notion of performing. Perhaps then,
I will embrace my hard-won freedom.
When the set is wrapped, and
xenon projects no image. When time has
ceased my ability to replay. I will cradle
my strings–gaze upon the
yellowed film and empty reels resting in
a box. A testament that my fervor–my
zeal will always lay beyond what others
expect of me.
Sadee Bee (They/Them) is a queer artist and writer inspired by magic, strange dreams, and creepy vibes. Sadee is the author of Elgin Award-Nominated Magic Lives In Girls (kith books), & Celestial Bodies / Earthbound Wounds (White Stag Publishing). Bee can be found on Twitter @SadeeBee, on Instagram @sadee__bee, and the web at www.sadeebee.com
Dodo Eraser 
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